The 4 Types of Fake Forgiveness

Feb 10

Do you know the difference between fake and true forgiveness?

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools for healing, but not all forgiveness is created equal. Many of us have been taught that forgiving means letting go, moving on, or even excusing someone's actions, but often, what we call forgiveness still carries resentment, guilt, or superiority. When we misunderstand forgiveness, we can trap ourselves in unhealthy emotional cycles that prevent true healing.

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Understanding the difference between false and true forgiveness is essential because false forgiveness keeps us stuck in the past, while true forgiveness sets us free. When we hold onto judgment, conditions, or expectations, we remain emotionally tied to the pain. But when we embrace true forgiveness, we release that burden and step into peace. Let’s explore the four most common types of false forgiveness and how they differ from the real thing.

The 4 Types of "Fake" Forgiveness

1. "I’ll forgive you, but you’re still guilty." This is the most common form of fake forgiveness. It means we say we forgive someone, but deep down, we still see them as wrong and ourselves as the victim. We hold onto the belief that they owe us something—whether it’s an apology, guilt, or punishment.

Example: A coworker takes credit for your idea in a meeting. You say, “I forgive you,” but every time you see them, you still feel resentment and think, They don’t deserve my kindness.

How it's different from true forgiveness: True forgiveness recognizes that mistakes come from misunderstanding or fear. It releases blame completely rather than holding onto the past.

2. "I’ll forgive you because I’m better than you." This is forgiveness with a sense of superiority. It makes the forgiver feel righteous, like they are the “bigger person.” But in reality, it still sees the other person as flawed and guilty, keeping an unconscious sense of separation.

Example: Your friend forgets your birthday. You say, “It’s fine, I forgive you,” but in your mind, you think, I would never do that to someone I care about. This makes you feel morally superior rather than truly letting it go.

How it's different from true forgiveness: True forgiveness comes from humility and equality. It doesn’t place us above someone else but recognizes that we all make mistakes and are worthy of love.

3. "I’ll forgive you, but I expect something in return." This form of forgiveness is transactional. It says, I’ll let this go, but you need to prove you’ve changed, make it up to me, or treat me better from now on. It keeps us attached to the situation because we’re waiting for a specific outcome.

Example: A partner breaks your trust. You say, “I forgive you,” but secretly, you expect them to go out of their way to make it up to you—extra affection, gifts, or changed behavior. If they don’t meet your expectations, resentment returns.

How it's different from true forgiveness: True forgiveness is unconditional. It doesn’t demand proof, change, or compensation. It releases expectations and lets the healing unfold naturally.

4. "I’ll forgive because I feel guilty if I don’t." This type of forgiveness comes from obligation. It’s when we force ourselves to forgive because we think it’s the “right” or “spiritual” thing to do, but we haven’t actually processed our emotions. Deep down, we still feel anger or pain.

Example: A family member has hurt you for years. You tell yourself, I have to forgive them because family is everything, even though their behavior is still harmful. You suppress your true feelings, which leads to resentment or self-betrayal.

How it's different from true forgiveness: True forgiveness doesn’t force anything. It allows us to acknowledge our feelings honestly, heal at our own pace, and set healthy boundaries when needed.

What is True Forgiveness? True forgiveness is a complete letting go of judgment. It recognizes that:

No one is truly guilty—people act from fear, pain, or misunderstanding. We are not victims—we can choose peace regardless of what happened. We don’t need to “fix” the past—only shift how we see it in the present.

Example of True Forgiveness: A colleague spreads false rumors about you. At first, you feel hurt and angry, but instead of staying in blame, you choose to see them with compassion. You realize their actions came from insecurity, not a real attack on you. You release the need for an apology and move forward without resentment.

This doesn’t mean you have to trust them again, but it means you free yourself from the burden of anger. That’s the power of true forgiveness—it heals you.

If you’re ready to go deeper into your healing journey, I invite you to join my program H.E.A.L. - Harness Emotions with Awareness & Love in February. Together, we’ll explore the power of forgiveness, guided meditation, and healing exercises to help you release emotional burdens and step into peace.

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